Wednesday, August 10, 2011

10 August, 2011 (Intro is a vent)

"I don't understand how you think you can treat people the way that you do. How can you live with yourself knowing what you've done in the past, and see nothing wrong with that? Every time I think you're out of my life, somehow, you find a way to creep back in, and I've had it! I can't take it, so for once and for all, let's just end this now. I want nothing to do with you, because I don't deserve to be treated the way you treat others. I can't believe you think that's alright *scoffs*.... I "love" how that one night you called me to tell me you were probably going to go to jail, expecting me to help you. Are you REALLY that crazy? I guess it didn't hit you, until I laughed and said there's no way I'd help you.
Don't even try breathing in my direction. I mean I know I never feel like I'm good enough, but damn, leave me alone. My time is better spent some where other than being spent on you"
End vent....

My mind has definitely been everywhere, rather than "here". Just been thinking a lot, and re-prioritizing everything in my life, and parts of that, I really don't like, because I flat-out don't agree with it. Ah, the joys of growing up. On another note, my sister's biological cousin (I call him my "cousin" too) has been in San Diego, CA for about 2weeks now for USMC boot camp; so if any of you would like to write to him, I'm sure he'd like that. Letters are a HUGE time "killer", and it would really boost his morale. From the looks of it, he should be graduating around mid-October. I can't wait until he becomes a Marine, and I can call him "brother"... Here's his address:
RCT Diskins, Joshua J. 
2nd BN Hotel Co. PLT 2171
36001 Midway Avenue
San Diego, CA 92140-2171

So, I've started working on care packages, a few "fabric projects", and a few key chains that people have asked me to make. I think I'm gonna look into making deployment/homecoming/spirit shirts for people. Y'know, like a small business, in a sense. Anybody interested? Hit me up if you have idea you'd like me to put together for ya'. SO, the MCJROTC camps are still going on, and honestly, I really feel like I'm not needed there now.... I can't explain it. I love my kiddos, so I don't wanna leave them, but I almost feel as if they don't need me, now that they have the new Major there... I don't know... Maybe it's just me thinking too much. Y'all know how I have a bad habit of that... *sigh* I'm seriously ready to start school in January, but in the mean time, I'm gonna be re-testing for class placement. I know I'm better than the results that I got. I'm hoping once I get my 2-year (since I'm planning on going to ACC round Rock/ TX State Round Rock), that I can transfer to Sam Houston State, or Texas State- San Marcos, but I need to further "research" on my degree plans at those campuses, before I have my heart set out on a specific school. So yeah, only time will tell. Speaking of January, around that time or February, I should have enough $ saved to move out, and into an apartment closer to campus. it just really sucks that it's approx $800 alone for the deposits for my dogs, FML...  But as I've said, one day at a time. I HATE not having the answers, and not knowing what's gonna happen next. I've thought more and more about the Reserves in general. I'd LOVE to go in, but until it seems right in my life, I think I'm content just taking a day at a time.

Besides, the VA is really PISSING ME OFF about my appointments. OMG- I swear if another doc asks me again, "I don't see why you're so upset", I'll lose my mind... Oh, lemme see..... YOU are the one who took me off my meds cold turkey, and won't put me on anything else. I'm not sleeping, I'm crying myself to sleep to exhaust myself, my nightmares terrify me to the extent where I'm afraid of sleep, I'm having random mood swings, migraines, and night sweats. My back almost tortures me, my chest is killing me almost everyday.... Yeah doc, I'm freakin' peachy keen :|, I'll just keep faking that I'm alright. No, no, it's alright. I'm used to that. I have to be strong for others any way. Good thing I have physical therapy and the gym to keep my occupied and to help me when I need to relieve some stress. The down side, is that I have to take it easy thanks to over training and not listening to my body.... I guess we all mess up sometime.

Man, what I really need is a girl's night. I miss those SO much. I miss dancing in the barracks rooms w/ "Sare-Bear" in our flaks, kevlars and gas masks, while jamming to "Jump on It".... And hanging out with Tiffanie, Poon, and Mary Louise and just enjoying each others' company. I miss dragging Tiffanie to the gym with me. I miss going to Poon's in the morning and bringing her Starbucks and getting juice for the girls. I miss going to Mary Louise's and playing fetch with her adorable Maddie (the coolest Cairn Terrier ever!)...Ugh- why must we all live so FAR away from each other? Well even though we aren't in the same area code, I'm glad we still have each other. I'm pretty lucky to have friends this amazing in my life.

Well it's about that time... I should lay in bed and "try to sleep", when in actuality, I'm prolly gonna lay down, work on tattoo sketches, mess w/ facebook, text ppl, and contemplate t-shirt designs lol.

Gnite all :)