14 August 2011

*Before anybody reads this, read this..... I'm not blogging a pity page. I just have to vent somehow, and get things off my mind/chest. So if you're gonna judge, leave.*

Okay here's the deal, I have a lot going on (emotionally) right now.. So if I don't message/ text/ email, y'all didn't do anything to upset me.

I don't know what it is. Lately, I've just felt so overwhelmed, I don't know if I want to scream, cry, or beat the hell out of a wall; and yet, I just feel so empty>? What the hell is wrong with me? Is my self consciousness of being seen as a screw up catching up to me? I've been feeling so guilty lately, that I haven't spent enough time with friends and family, and at the same time, I feel like I just wanna lock myself up in a room and just not leave..... Not to mention, the guilt I've been holding in since I got out.... I know it's sounds silly to have any sense of guilt for leaving the military, but I feel like I up and left all my friends/ brothers/ sisters... And I pretty much did.... There's only so much I can talk to others about. My damn pride is always getting in the way. I know I need to talk, but I HATE when I show signs of being vulnerable. I just think I belong anywhere any more. That's the worst feeling. Knowing there are so many people in the world, knowing there are so many places to "fit in", and you don't feel like you fit anywhere. Now, I'm not saying I wanna be a cookie cutter samaritan, I just want things to make sense like they used to. Evan as i type this, I can't think too far in depth about it, because it makes me wanna cry...damnit... Does anybody out there understand what I mean? There are days I have to keep lying to myself, just to make it through the day/week... 

Ugh- it feels like there are 10,000 thoughts going on in my head, but I can't think clearly. I should probably end this blog session for now, until I can think a little clearer. 

Until then,

"If everyone cared"

10 August, 2011 (Intro is a vent)

Vent:
"I don't understand how you think you can treat people the way that you do. How can you live with yourself knowing what you've done in the past, and see nothing wrong with that? Every time I think you're out of my life, somehow, you find a way to creep back in, and I've had it! I can't take it, so for once and for all, let's just end this now. I want nothing to do with you, because I don't deserve to be treated the way you treat others. I can't believe you think that's alright *scoffs*.... I "love" how that one night you called me to tell me you were probably going to go to jail, expecting me to help you. Are you REALLY that crazy? I guess it didn't hit you, until I laughed and said there's no way I'd help you. Don't even try breathing in my direction. I mean I know I never feel like I'm good enough, but damn, leave me alone. My time is better spent some where other than being spent on you"
End vent....

My mind has definitely been everywhere, rather than "here". Just been thinking a lot, and re-prioritizing everything in my life, and parts of that, I really don't like, because I flat-out don't agree with it. Ah, the joys of growing up. On another note, my sister's biological cousin (I call him my "cousin" too) has been in San Diego, CA for about 2weeks now for USMC boot camp; so if any of you would like to write to him, I'm sure he'd like that. Letters are a HUGE time "killer", and it would really boost his morale. From the looks of it, he should be graduating around mid-October. I can't wait until he becomes a Marine, and I can call him "brother"... Here's his address:
RCT Diskins, Joshua J. 
2nd BN Hotel Co. PLT 2171
36001 Midway Avenue
San Diego, CA 92140-2171

So, I've started working on care packages, a few "fabric projects", and a few key chains that people have asked me to make. I think I'm gonna look into making deployment/homecoming/spirit shirts for people. Y'know, like a small business, in a sense. Anybody interested? Hit me up if you have idea you'd like me to put together for ya'. SO, the MCJROTC camps are still going on, and honestly, I really feel like I'm not needed there now.... I can't explain it. I love my kiddos, so I don't wanna leave them, but I almost feel as if they don't need me, now that they have the new Major there... I don't know... Maybe it's just me thinking too much. Y'all know how I have a bad habit of that... *sigh* I'm seriously ready to start school in January, but in the mean time, I'm gonna be re-testing for class placement. I know I'm better than the results that I got. I'm hoping once I get my 2-year (since I'm planning on going to ACC round Rock/ TX State Round Rock), that I can transfer to Sam Houston State, or Texas State- San Marcos, but I need to further "research" on my degree plans at those campuses, before I have my heart set out on a specific school. So yeah, only time will tell. Speaking of January, around that time or February, I should have enough $ saved to move out, and into an apartment closer to campus. it just really sucks that it's approx $800 alone for the deposits for my dogs, FML...  But as I've said, one day at a time. I HATE not having the answers, and not knowing what's gonna happen next. I've thought more and more about the Reserves in general. I'd LOVE to go in, but until it seems right in my life, I think I'm content just taking a day at a time.

Besides, the VA is really PISSING ME OFF about my appointments. OMG- I swear if another doc asks me again, "I don't see why you're so upset", I'll lose my mind... Oh, lemme see..... YOU are the one who took me off my meds cold turkey, and won't put me on anything else. I'm not sleeping, I'm crying myself to sleep to exhaust myself, my nightmares terrify me to the extent where I'm afraid of sleep, I'm having random mood swings, migraines, and night sweats. My back almost tortures me, my chest is killing me almost everyday.... Yeah doc, I'm freakin' peachy keen :|, I'll just keep faking that I'm alright. No, no, it's alright. I'm used to that. I have to be strong for others any way. Good thing I have physical therapy and the gym to keep my occupied and to help me when I need to relieve some stress. The down side, is that I have to take it easy thanks to over training and not listening to my body.... I guess we all mess up sometime.







Man, what I really need is a girl's night. I miss those SO much. I miss dancing in the barracks rooms w/ "Sare-Bear" in our flaks, kevlars and gas masks, while jamming to "Jump on It".... And hanging out with Tiffanie, Poon, and Mary Louise and just enjoying each others' company. I miss dragging Tiffanie to the gym with me. I miss going to Poon's in the morning and bringing her Starbucks and getting juice for the girls. I miss going to Mary Louise's and playing fetch with her adorable Maddie (the coolest Cairn Terrier ever!)...Ugh- why must we all live so FAR away from each other? Well even though we aren't in the same area code, I'm glad we still have each other. I'm pretty lucky to have friends this amazing in my life.

Well it's about that time... I should lay in bed and "try to sleep", when in actuality, I'm prolly gonna lay down, work on tattoo sketches, mess w/ facebook, text ppl, and contemplate t-shirt designs lol.


Gnite all :)

08 August, 2011

WOW!!!! I can't believe that I haven't blogged in so long. 

Well, I guess I should catch everybody up with what's going on.... I've been in TX 7 months now. Starting size: 23/24, current size 14, and I can't put into words how proud I am of myself, even though, I can't see what others see. MAN, I wish I could! I'm working on that though. I'm over at Round Rock HS (yup, my old stomping grounds), working with the Marine Corps Junior ROTC program... Let me tell ya', I'm so blessed to be around these kids. They really make my day, even if they annoy me some times, they're all like my little brothers and sisters. They've seriously done wonders for my esteem. Over the summer, we went to Harlengen, TX to an MMA camp which was amazing and awesome, and I really got to know the cadets better. We also had camps for the incoming MCJROTC cadets (fish camp), and just finished a Cadet SNCO camp which wasn't too bad. This week, until the 19th, we have a Cadet Officer camp going on, so we'll (SgtMaj Martinez, Major Shimp, as well as myself) see who's cut out and prepared to take on the roll as a Cadet Officer. I really don't know where I'd be without this opportunity to teach these students everything I have learned. It really makes me say "I love this", every day. Even on the bad days. And for that, I truly do owe a "thanks" to SgtMaj Martinez for giving me a chance. Unfortunately, as some of you know through my Facebook postings, this summer, we lost one of our Cadets, Alex Diaz. I'm not gonna sit here and lie; as many students feel, I still miss him very much. There are still times where I have a random fit of anger because I just can't understand. Yes, maybe I should let go, but it takes longer for me. It's hard to let go of those who have truly touched me. Diaz was one of the first students who made SURE I knew who he was. He actually helped me transition from Marine to teacher. Not in a physical sense, but in the way that I should see things from the Cadet's point of view, rather than just the Marine's side, which I was so used to after so long. He was an incredible young man, amazing student, and I'm sure nobody will forget him, for those who were truly touched by him. 

Also, the tragic death of "Stef" Saldari.... He was a Marine I knew from Camp Lejeune, as did my many friends back on the East Coast. It was a total shock, and there's a part of me who still can't believe it. I only wish I could have made the service, and I still pray for comfort to his family.

But on another note, I'm planning on going to school in the Spring of 2012 (January) to begin the road of completing my degree (bachelors of science, kinesiology/sports medicine), as well as receive my personal trainer's certification. I'm still working on my weight loss, but not going as crazy due to over training, as well as my injuries flaring up when I push WAY too far. I'm hoping that my students can learn from me, somehow. Whether it be diets, lifestyles, workouts, or life lessons. As for my personal life, I'm choosing to keep that personal for now. If you want to know about it, you can email or text me about it, but for the time being, I prefer not to post it all up on here. Sorry. Yes, still working on saving $ for a place, but looks like it'll be longer than I thought, because it sucks being an adult lol. No, seriously, I'm working on my financial issues, and it's taking a lot A LOT longer than I thought. UGH. One day at a time, Janna....One day at a time. I'll figure it out. I always do. I find out on 15DEC2011 if I'm eligible for the USMC reserves/ Army/ TX Nat'l Guard...You see, being a temp. medical retiree, they basically take you off the "active" radar until you're cleared by your VA docs. Then once you're "good-to-go", they put your name back out there, and you keep doin' your thing, in the Reserves, or branching over.

Well guys 'n' gals, I'm sure I'll have more on my mind later on, but I'm gonna go ahead and close this, with a question, "What kind of impact do you think you've left with your friends? If today was your last day, how would they remember you? A hero? A mentor? Someone who always played it safe?"

I don't know about all of you, but I hope that my friends etc., have seen me as support. As having faith in each in every one of you, and wanting you to strive for so much more, and becoming more than you could ever imagine. That I love each and every one of you; for your imperfections, for your flaws, for your hearts, your laughs & tears, and for having courage in yourself to be who you truly are... Never be afraid to ask for that crying shoulder. Everybody is a hero in their own way. You just have to know in your heart, where your place is.

Trust yourself. Be brave. Live. Laugh. Cry. Believe.