Monday, April 4, 2011

04 April 2011

SO, I went to the v.a. the other day, turns out, my heart isn't pumping enough blood throughout my body, so they want to start me on a heart monitor soon. I'm pretty nervous about it, because I was born premature (I don't even think I was 4lbs), and I had to wear a heart monitor for a while as a a baby. I've heard docs for the last 5 years say, "considering your medical history, there could be a chance that you have heart problems as you become older"....Okay, thanks for the heads-up, but I really don't want "older" to be right before I turn 25.Ugh- makes things kinda' complicated when it comes to working out. I can't "overwhelm" myself as I usually do, so looks like only walking and lighter weights/ smaller reps for a while (gag). Looks like the weight loss is gonna have to be at a stand still for a lil' bit. I've never known anything about my medical history (biologically) stating any kind of heart problems. People every now and then ask me, "Don't you want to find your biological parents? Aren't you curious?" Well yeah, I want to, and yeah, I'm curious, but I don't really dwell on it. I mean, I still have times where I start in a mirror and wonder who I look more like, who's laugh I have, who's hands I have. But, there's also a side of  me that doesn't want to know. There's still anger. There's still a lot of sadness. I wanna know, but sometimes, I just feel that I'm better off not knowing. There's too many questions. I already have abandonment issues and thinking about it more and more doesn't really help me clear my head. I already tried contacting them once through the social services I was adopted through, and they didn't really help me that much, so I kept going. I had enough stress in my life right then and there, and had to help run a freakin' Marine Corps warehouse. I had prior engagements.

Tim and I barely speak now. Only when it's about change of address stuff, or him mailing me back my stuff. Yeah, part of me still loves him, but I just can't go through the suppressing, and the fact that he blatantly said "I don't want help. There's nothing wrong!" when I told him about his emotions.  He asked the other day why we didn't have out wedding, oh I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. I had to hang up on him, because I couldn't bear to explain it to him again, that if I truly wasn't happy and knew it wasn't going to go anywhere, then I shouldn't lie to myself and to my family any longer....I'm sorry I can't explain everything...My emotions on everything are still overwhelming, and for those of you who know a little more about what's going on, judge me all you want, but I won't let you get to me. Like I've said, I know who I am. I am sick and tired of altering myself. I love all my family and friends, but if you don't support me on the subject, don't talk to me about it. Just don't. Save us both some time and energy. Thanks.

My anxiety/panic attacks are getting worse. I almost thought I was gonna break down in the grocery store, I had to hide in the bathroom for like almost 10 minutes. And on the way out, a car backfired, so what do I do? Let go of my cart, and dodge for two cars to hide between :/ ...Geez....  My mood swings are pretty intense too, but I can catch them every now and then, so I just grab the dogs, go into my room, and pretty much seclude myself. Force myself to calm down. Really wish I could find a way to get a punching bag, that'd be bad-ass lol. Really wish someone truly understood, not the "pitty nod in agreement trying to be supportive" role. Someone who understands, and can sincerely tell me "it's okay, I'm here for you when you need to talk". Don't get me wrong, I <3 my friends, but there's only so much I can vent to them about.....I miss so many of my friends/ USMC family, I still feel so out of place here. I have GOT to find a way to get one of those contracting jobs, or lose weight really effin' fast and recover from all my v.a. crap. I want back in. I just want something familiar back in my life, something that made me feel safe and secure. I really need that structure in my life, and I've felt nothing but chaos since January :( ... Well, hopefully, I can start up school in the summer. F*ck ACC- I've heard too much f*cked up things about them. I'm trying to get into the summer program at TxState (round rock), or even some correspondence or online thru UT. I just HATE that I did so much work in the past, and come to find out, my credits don't match up with other schools, or my transcripts can't be released until I pay off my loans (which were supposed to be deferred until I got out since nobody told me the Corps would pay them off- and found out that interest built up for years, since somehow the deferment didn't go through. What the Hell?)....Oh well, Life- 264,987,840,073,000.. Me-0

uuugggghhhhh fml right now..... I really should go. I need to go on a run... I know I shouldn't but I've become a stress runner, so sue me.

Wish I could relax.... a cupcake sounds nice....
If I had to pick one for today, I'd have to pick my "breakfast cupcakes" I made back when I was in NC..
*Butter pecan cupcake w/ maple caramel butter cream frosting, and crumbled bacon on top

"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."  ~Mark Twain