25 October 2011

Good Lord...

Thank GAWD I took the day toff today. My homework is already swamping me, and it was JUST assigned this morning. Hey everyone! So yeah, it's been forever since I've done any blogging so I thought I'd catch y'all up on everything that's going on...

As you can tell, I'm in school, and MAN have things changed. I'm still having a hard time adjust to things outside of the military "bubble" *sigh* Oh bubble, how I miss you... I'm still working at the high school in the MCJROTC program. I'm still super proud of all of my cadets, but some you can't help but worry about, because they remind you of you, at some point of your life. But boy, do I miss all of my girls.... Some are still in the East coast, some moved home after the contracts were up, and others moved to the West coast. I miss them all in a different and unique way. Some day though, I'll see them again. Did someone say "insane road trip" ? Lol    :). I'm still in Texas (obviously), and the colors are finally trying..key word: trying.... to change.or the fall, and I'm super excited! Hello, boots and jackets! Thankfully I have my looney pups, and my awesome boyfriend. Yeah. That's right. I have a boyfriend. If I had to describe him in one word, I'd say "simply-amazing" (does it count if I hyphenate it? Lol) He's helped me through so much since we've met and I wish all of my friends could meet him, since I'm always bragging about him.We've been together since April, and he really makes me feel like I belong somewhere, like I mean something, which is something I haven't felt in a long time. He's actually deployed with the 1st Cav Division, stationed out of Ft.Hood, (Killeen) Texas. He and I are FINALLY on the countdown until he comes home for R&R!! But still a while to go until I can count the days on my fingers & toes.

Also, I've started a small business called, "Semper Chowdelis Baking" and that's been a lot of work but so rewarding in the end. I don't get a lot of orders, or make a lot, but I still enjoy what I do. I just hate that work and school make me set it aside. Hey, school comes first. I know this blog is kinda jumbled. I have so many thoughts, and can't get them down in time. But for now, I must go. I have an order of cake pops to do, and some reading to start for school.

So until next time, relax and have a cupcake :D

woke up for a sec....*25 October 2011

I just wanted to say, yeah .... I'm alive... been really busy with life, work and school but I'm gonna do my BEST to stay updated with this :D



Looks like things are falling into place in my life, I'll fill y'all in later. Much love

14 August 2011

*Before anybody reads this, read this..... I'm not blogging a pity page. I just have to vent somehow, and get things off my mind/chest. So if you're gonna judge, leave.*

Okay here's the deal, I have a lot going on (emotionally) right now.. So if I don't message/ text/ email, y'all didn't do anything to upset me.

I don't know what it is. Lately, I've just felt so overwhelmed, I don't know if I want to scream, cry, or beat the hell out of a wall; and yet, I just feel so empty>? What the hell is wrong with me? Is my self consciousness of being seen as a screw up catching up to me? I've been feeling so guilty lately, that I haven't spent enough time with friends and family, and at the same time, I feel like I just wanna lock myself up in a room and just not leave..... Not to mention, the guilt I've been holding in since I got out.... I know it's sounds silly to have any sense of guilt for leaving the military, but I feel like I up and left all my friends/ brothers/ sisters... And I pretty much did.... There's only so much I can talk to others about. My damn pride is always getting in the way. I know I need to talk, but I HATE when I show signs of being vulnerable. I just think I belong anywhere any more. That's the worst feeling. Knowing there are so many people in the world, knowing there are so many places to "fit in", and you don't feel like you fit anywhere. Now, I'm not saying I wanna be a cookie cutter samaritan, I just want things to make sense like they used to. Evan as i type this, I can't think too far in depth about it, because it makes me wanna cry...damnit... Does anybody out there understand what I mean? There are days I have to keep lying to myself, just to make it through the day/week... 

Ugh- it feels like there are 10,000 thoughts going on in my head, but I can't think clearly. I should probably end this blog session for now, until I can think a little clearer. 

Until then,

"If everyone cared"

10 August, 2011 (Intro is a vent)

Vent:
"I don't understand how you think you can treat people the way that you do. How can you live with yourself knowing what you've done in the past, and see nothing wrong with that? Every time I think you're out of my life, somehow, you find a way to creep back in, and I've had it! I can't take it, so for once and for all, let's just end this now. I want nothing to do with you, because I don't deserve to be treated the way you treat others. I can't believe you think that's alright *scoffs*.... I "love" how that one night you called me to tell me you were probably going to go to jail, expecting me to help you. Are you REALLY that crazy? I guess it didn't hit you, until I laughed and said there's no way I'd help you. Don't even try breathing in my direction. I mean I know I never feel like I'm good enough, but damn, leave me alone. My time is better spent some where other than being spent on you"
End vent....

My mind has definitely been everywhere, rather than "here". Just been thinking a lot, and re-prioritizing everything in my life, and parts of that, I really don't like, because I flat-out don't agree with it. Ah, the joys of growing up. On another note, my sister's biological cousin (I call him my "cousin" too) has been in San Diego, CA for about 2weeks now for USMC boot camp; so if any of you would like to write to him, I'm sure he'd like that. Letters are a HUGE time "killer", and it would really boost his morale. From the looks of it, he should be graduating around mid-October. I can't wait until he becomes a Marine, and I can call him "brother"... Here's his address:
RCT Diskins, Joshua J. 
2nd BN Hotel Co. PLT 2171
36001 Midway Avenue
San Diego, CA 92140-2171

So, I've started working on care packages, a few "fabric projects", and a few key chains that people have asked me to make. I think I'm gonna look into making deployment/homecoming/spirit shirts for people. Y'know, like a small business, in a sense. Anybody interested? Hit me up if you have idea you'd like me to put together for ya'. SO, the MCJROTC camps are still going on, and honestly, I really feel like I'm not needed there now.... I can't explain it. I love my kiddos, so I don't wanna leave them, but I almost feel as if they don't need me, now that they have the new Major there... I don't know... Maybe it's just me thinking too much. Y'all know how I have a bad habit of that... *sigh* I'm seriously ready to start school in January, but in the mean time, I'm gonna be re-testing for class placement. I know I'm better than the results that I got. I'm hoping once I get my 2-year (since I'm planning on going to ACC round Rock/ TX State Round Rock), that I can transfer to Sam Houston State, or Texas State- San Marcos, but I need to further "research" on my degree plans at those campuses, before I have my heart set out on a specific school. So yeah, only time will tell. Speaking of January, around that time or February, I should have enough $ saved to move out, and into an apartment closer to campus. it just really sucks that it's approx $800 alone for the deposits for my dogs, FML...  But as I've said, one day at a time. I HATE not having the answers, and not knowing what's gonna happen next. I've thought more and more about the Reserves in general. I'd LOVE to go in, but until it seems right in my life, I think I'm content just taking a day at a time.

Besides, the VA is really PISSING ME OFF about my appointments. OMG- I swear if another doc asks me again, "I don't see why you're so upset", I'll lose my mind... Oh, lemme see..... YOU are the one who took me off my meds cold turkey, and won't put me on anything else. I'm not sleeping, I'm crying myself to sleep to exhaust myself, my nightmares terrify me to the extent where I'm afraid of sleep, I'm having random mood swings, migraines, and night sweats. My back almost tortures me, my chest is killing me almost everyday.... Yeah doc, I'm freakin' peachy keen :|, I'll just keep faking that I'm alright. No, no, it's alright. I'm used to that. I have to be strong for others any way. Good thing I have physical therapy and the gym to keep my occupied and to help me when I need to relieve some stress. The down side, is that I have to take it easy thanks to over training and not listening to my body.... I guess we all mess up sometime.







Man, what I really need is a girl's night. I miss those SO much. I miss dancing in the barracks rooms w/ "Sare-Bear" in our flaks, kevlars and gas masks, while jamming to "Jump on It".... And hanging out with Tiffanie, Poon, and Mary Louise and just enjoying each others' company. I miss dragging Tiffanie to the gym with me. I miss going to Poon's in the morning and bringing her Starbucks and getting juice for the girls. I miss going to Mary Louise's and playing fetch with her adorable Maddie (the coolest Cairn Terrier ever!)...Ugh- why must we all live so FAR away from each other? Well even though we aren't in the same area code, I'm glad we still have each other. I'm pretty lucky to have friends this amazing in my life.

Well it's about that time... I should lay in bed and "try to sleep", when in actuality, I'm prolly gonna lay down, work on tattoo sketches, mess w/ facebook, text ppl, and contemplate t-shirt designs lol.


Gnite all :)

08 August, 2011

WOW!!!! I can't believe that I haven't blogged in so long. 

Well, I guess I should catch everybody up with what's going on.... I've been in TX 7 months now. Starting size: 23/24, current size 14, and I can't put into words how proud I am of myself, even though, I can't see what others see. MAN, I wish I could! I'm working on that though. I'm over at Round Rock HS (yup, my old stomping grounds), working with the Marine Corps Junior ROTC program... Let me tell ya', I'm so blessed to be around these kids. They really make my day, even if they annoy me some times, they're all like my little brothers and sisters. They've seriously done wonders for my esteem. Over the summer, we went to Harlengen, TX to an MMA camp which was amazing and awesome, and I really got to know the cadets better. We also had camps for the incoming MCJROTC cadets (fish camp), and just finished a Cadet SNCO camp which wasn't too bad. This week, until the 19th, we have a Cadet Officer camp going on, so we'll (SgtMaj Martinez, Major Shimp, as well as myself) see who's cut out and prepared to take on the roll as a Cadet Officer. I really don't know where I'd be without this opportunity to teach these students everything I have learned. It really makes me say "I love this", every day. Even on the bad days. And for that, I truly do owe a "thanks" to SgtMaj Martinez for giving me a chance. Unfortunately, as some of you know through my Facebook postings, this summer, we lost one of our Cadets, Alex Diaz. I'm not gonna sit here and lie; as many students feel, I still miss him very much. There are still times where I have a random fit of anger because I just can't understand. Yes, maybe I should let go, but it takes longer for me. It's hard to let go of those who have truly touched me. Diaz was one of the first students who made SURE I knew who he was. He actually helped me transition from Marine to teacher. Not in a physical sense, but in the way that I should see things from the Cadet's point of view, rather than just the Marine's side, which I was so used to after so long. He was an incredible young man, amazing student, and I'm sure nobody will forget him, for those who were truly touched by him. 

Also, the tragic death of "Stef" Saldari.... He was a Marine I knew from Camp Lejeune, as did my many friends back on the East Coast. It was a total shock, and there's a part of me who still can't believe it. I only wish I could have made the service, and I still pray for comfort to his family.

But on another note, I'm planning on going to school in the Spring of 2012 (January) to begin the road of completing my degree (bachelors of science, kinesiology/sports medicine), as well as receive my personal trainer's certification. I'm still working on my weight loss, but not going as crazy due to over training, as well as my injuries flaring up when I push WAY too far. I'm hoping that my students can learn from me, somehow. Whether it be diets, lifestyles, workouts, or life lessons. As for my personal life, I'm choosing to keep that personal for now. If you want to know about it, you can email or text me about it, but for the time being, I prefer not to post it all up on here. Sorry. Yes, still working on saving $ for a place, but looks like it'll be longer than I thought, because it sucks being an adult lol. No, seriously, I'm working on my financial issues, and it's taking a lot A LOT longer than I thought. UGH. One day at a time, Janna....One day at a time. I'll figure it out. I always do. I find out on 15DEC2011 if I'm eligible for the USMC reserves/ Army/ TX Nat'l Guard...You see, being a temp. medical retiree, they basically take you off the "active" radar until you're cleared by your VA docs. Then once you're "good-to-go", they put your name back out there, and you keep doin' your thing, in the Reserves, or branching over.

Well guys 'n' gals, I'm sure I'll have more on my mind later on, but I'm gonna go ahead and close this, with a question, "What kind of impact do you think you've left with your friends? If today was your last day, how would they remember you? A hero? A mentor? Someone who always played it safe?"

I don't know about all of you, but I hope that my friends etc., have seen me as support. As having faith in each in every one of you, and wanting you to strive for so much more, and becoming more than you could ever imagine. That I love each and every one of you; for your imperfections, for your flaws, for your hearts, your laughs & tears, and for having courage in yourself to be who you truly are... Never be afraid to ask for that crying shoulder. Everybody is a hero in their own way. You just have to know in your heart, where your place is.

Trust yourself. Be brave. Live. Laugh. Cry. Believe.

04 April 2011

SO, I went to the v.a. the other day, turns out, my heart isn't pumping enough blood throughout my body, so they want to start me on a heart monitor soon. I'm pretty nervous about it, because I was born premature (I don't even think I was 4lbs), and I had to wear a heart monitor for a while as a a baby. I've heard docs for the last 5 years say, "considering your medical history, there could be a chance that you have heart problems as you become older"....Okay, thanks for the heads-up, but I really don't want "older" to be right before I turn 25.Ugh- makes things kinda' complicated when it comes to working out. I can't "overwhelm" myself as I usually do, so looks like only walking and lighter weights/ smaller reps for a while (gag). Looks like the weight loss is gonna have to be at a stand still for a lil' bit. I've never known anything about my medical history (biologically) stating any kind of heart problems. People every now and then ask me, "Don't you want to find your biological parents? Aren't you curious?" Well yeah, I want to, and yeah, I'm curious, but I don't really dwell on it. I mean, I still have times where I start in a mirror and wonder who I look more like, who's laugh I have, who's hands I have. But, there's also a side of  me that doesn't want to know. There's still anger. There's still a lot of sadness. I wanna know, but sometimes, I just feel that I'm better off not knowing. There's too many questions. I already have abandonment issues and thinking about it more and more doesn't really help me clear my head. I already tried contacting them once through the social services I was adopted through, and they didn't really help me that much, so I kept going. I had enough stress in my life right then and there, and had to help run a freakin' Marine Corps warehouse. I had prior engagements.

Tim and I barely speak now. Only when it's about change of address stuff, or him mailing me back my stuff. Yeah, part of me still loves him, but I just can't go through the suppressing, and the fact that he blatantly said "I don't want help. There's nothing wrong!" when I told him about his emotions.  He asked the other day why we didn't have out wedding, oh I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. I had to hang up on him, because I couldn't bear to explain it to him again, that if I truly wasn't happy and knew it wasn't going to go anywhere, then I shouldn't lie to myself and to my family any longer....I'm sorry I can't explain everything...My emotions on everything are still overwhelming, and for those of you who know a little more about what's going on, judge me all you want, but I won't let you get to me. Like I've said, I know who I am. I am sick and tired of altering myself. I love all my family and friends, but if you don't support me on the subject, don't talk to me about it. Just don't. Save us both some time and energy. Thanks.

My anxiety/panic attacks are getting worse. I almost thought I was gonna break down in the grocery store, I had to hide in the bathroom for like almost 10 minutes. And on the way out, a car backfired, so what do I do? Let go of my cart, and dodge for two cars to hide between :/ ...Geez....  My mood swings are pretty intense too, but I can catch them every now and then, so I just grab the dogs, go into my room, and pretty much seclude myself. Force myself to calm down. Really wish I could find a way to get a punching bag, that'd be bad-ass lol. Really wish someone truly understood, not the "pitty nod in agreement trying to be supportive" role. Someone who understands, and can sincerely tell me "it's okay, I'm here for you when you need to talk". Don't get me wrong, I <3 my friends, but there's only so much I can vent to them about.....I miss so many of my friends/ USMC family, I still feel so out of place here. I have GOT to find a way to get one of those contracting jobs, or lose weight really effin' fast and recover from all my v.a. crap. I want back in. I just want something familiar back in my life, something that made me feel safe and secure. I really need that structure in my life, and I've felt nothing but chaos since January :( ... Well, hopefully, I can start up school in the summer. F*ck ACC- I've heard too much f*cked up things about them. I'm trying to get into the summer program at TxState (round rock), or even some correspondence or online thru UT. I just HATE that I did so much work in the past, and come to find out, my credits don't match up with other schools, or my transcripts can't be released until I pay off my loans (which were supposed to be deferred until I got out since nobody told me the Corps would pay them off- and found out that interest built up for years, since somehow the deferment didn't go through. What the Hell?)....Oh well, Life- 264,987,840,073,000.. Me-0

uuugggghhhhh fml right now..... I really should go. I need to go on a run... I know I shouldn't but I've become a stress runner, so sue me.

Wish I could relax.... a cupcake sounds nice....
If I had to pick one for today, I'd have to pick my "breakfast cupcakes" I made back when I was in NC..
*Butter pecan cupcake w/ maple caramel butter cream frosting, and crumbled bacon on top



"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."  ~Mark Twain

30 MARCH 2011

I know, I know, I've had this blog since Feb and STILL haven't done anything about it. Well, to catch anybody up on what they're missed.....Yes, I canceled the wedding, and I would prefer not to go into detail. If you have questions, email me. I won't talk about it on here. I'm hoping to plan a road trip w/ the girls to Georgia in September, but only time will tell how that goes. Been working out as much as my body will allow, since my injuries are still pretty iffy (especially with my back in the condition that it's in *YIKES!*), and the v.a. has been pretty cool about getting my appointments set up asap. Been looking into more tatts. Actually, touch ups and adding on. So not only am I starting to save $ to move into a different place, and a car, I'm saving little by little to get more ink. I want my arm pieces re-touched, and finished. I'm tired of what people think. I'm done caring about how they are judging me. I love my family and friends dearly, but if they love me, shouldn't they try to see past my shell? Guess not everybody can. *sigh* Today I've been in a funk. I wish I could move back to NC.... today's one of those days where I miss living in the barracks. U could just walk to the next room over and blow off steam.... Or you could go out onto the catwalks with your roomie or your buddies, set up a few lawn chairs, blare some music, crack open some beers, and just enjoy the night. Enjoy just shooting the breeze. Those were the best years of my life as difficult as they were. I'll never find friendships like that again. That's why I've been working SO HARD to try and get one of these contracting jobs. I'm hoping I get another call this week or next about another phone interview for the positions I applied for. It'd be so great to be around military personnel again. 

I know this is short lived, but I need to be getting sleep. Have 3 v.a. appointments in the morning. 

So sit back, enjoy your night, and have a cupcake.

Tonight's recommendation: vanilla, with vanilla/ lavender frosting

“The bravest thing you can do when you are not brave, is to profess courage and act accordingly”
~Corra Harris