14 August 2011

*Before anybody reads this, read this..... I'm not blogging a pity page. I just have to vent somehow, and get things off my mind/chest. So if you're gonna judge, leave.*

Okay here's the deal, I have a lot going on (emotionally) right now.. So if I don't message/ text/ email, y'all didn't do anything to upset me.

I don't know what it is. Lately, I've just felt so overwhelmed, I don't know if I want to scream, cry, or beat the hell out of a wall; and yet, I just feel so empty>? What the hell is wrong with me? Is my self consciousness of being seen as a screw up catching up to me? I've been feeling so guilty lately, that I haven't spent enough time with friends and family, and at the same time, I feel like I just wanna lock myself up in a room and just not leave..... Not to mention, the guilt I've been holding in since I got out.... I know it's sounds silly to have any sense of guilt for leaving the military, but I feel like I up and left all my friends/ brothers/ sisters... And I pretty much did.... There's only so much I can talk to others about. My damn pride is always getting in the way. I know I need to talk, but I HATE when I show signs of being vulnerable. I just think I belong anywhere any more. That's the worst feeling. Knowing there are so many people in the world, knowing there are so many places to "fit in", and you don't feel like you fit anywhere. Now, I'm not saying I wanna be a cookie cutter samaritan, I just want things to make sense like they used to. Evan as i type this, I can't think too far in depth about it, because it makes me wanna cry...damnit... Does anybody out there understand what I mean? There are days I have to keep lying to myself, just to make it through the day/week... 

Ugh- it feels like there are 10,000 thoughts going on in my head, but I can't think clearly. I should probably end this blog session for now, until I can think a little clearer. 

Until then,

"If everyone cared"